Payson Utah LDS Temple
Our Faith, The Mormons…also know as, “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.” We are to remain faithful, from the moment of Baptism at age 8, and Confirmation as a member of the church until – well we die. Upon marriage, we are to choose a Temple, which is Our House of The Lord, and be married, and have our children sealed to us as an Eternal Family for all time and eternity.Then as faithful Saints, continue to return to do the work for the dead ancestors who have passed on before us, because they hadn’t been given a chance to hear the Gospel.
My husband and I did these required and sacred things, and he remained faithful until the day he crossed over, through the veil on October 6, 2013. I was with him, and held him, as he took his last breath from his mortal earthly test. I was calm, as I was his nurse through Hospice care, and I watched the disease take my handsome, loving, strong and viral companion from me. This painful process took two years, and I think he knew he was not going to stay, but never complained, not once. We prayed and prayed hard, for the disease to be removed from his body, but it was not to be.
Our anniversary is coming up again on July 1, and I am struggling more so than a year ago. I don’t know why, or what is making it feel different. I watched the Payson Utah Temple be built from the ground up, and also watched the dedication this past Sunday, I cried almost the whole time, because of thoughts of him not sitting by my side. I long for him, so desperately. Just to look into his piercing blue eyes, say everything I forgot to say as the time grew shorter. I am told to try to move forward, but I just can’t. It seems that I am missing him more as time goes on.
I had a friend send me some lyrics to a few songs, they hit my heart hard, and I wept through all of them that she sent me. They were all singing about moving forward, making a new life, trying to change where I am in my own life, just stop hanging on to the past. All of it was good advice, but my broken heart just won’t mend.
It has now been 20 months, four days, 18 hours…and yes I cannot help but keep track of each and every day that I am without him. Loneliness is a terrible thing, it is there when you wake, when you try to sleep, all day, all night when you are awakened with dreams of your cherished loved ones…and you are sobbing uncontrollably. This happens to me at every turn it seems, I think of him all day and into the night. I just want to go to sleep, and fall into the abyss of loneliness. I can say that I am not too far from it now, I can see the darkness from here.
Acquaintances say, “oh you will get over it,” or worse, :just get over it, and move on.” Members of our Church say, it’s just a blink of an eye and you will be together again. His grandmother waited 40 years to be with her husband again as he had passed away in his early forties. To me, that is not just a blink of an eye in mortality. it is a lifetime. But, my own grandfather and grandmother passed within 26 days of each other. Our fate is unknown to us.
I have tried to look at this as it is, in a matter of fact way. As soon as we are born, we are going to die, at some point. We don’t know when, or how, but it is inevitably going to happen. I have most things in order, I have even begun to write my own obituary, so that my children will not have to deal with the trivial but difficult things. As you can see, this is a very morbid dark post, but this is still where I am in my life. Stuck, depressed beyond comprehension, and in the abyss of loneliness. It is probably a lot like feeling sorry for myself, but ten times worse.
I try to occupy my time with a large photography historical restoration project, but I sit down to try and work, and I just can’t seem to stay on focus. No pun intended.
So as I travel alone down this road to the end, am I going to be able to continue to stay faithful? Will I make mistakes along he way, and forget to repent? Too many unknowns, and we are really never ready to let go of our loved ones, especially our life partner. To me he was perfect, in every way. He was a just and fair man who loved life and lived life to the fullest, his family, the mountains, streams, lakes and the animals. All were near and dear to his heart.
Sweetheart, I still love you to the moon and back. I do hope and pray that this will all be worth it. And as I whispered in your ear, hoping that you heard me tell you, that I will stay the course, and keep the Commandments which He has given.
Eternally yours,
Kris
Dallas Lovern John
1954 – 2013
Kris John 